85% of women do what????....
Fran and I went on one of the most insane and chaotic journeys of our lives on Saturday. I'm serious you guys, it was complete and utter insanity and we're just praising sweet baby Jesus that we lived to tell about it. We woke up Saturday morning with the wildest hairs up our asses that ever were in existence. Well anyway, it's nuts and basically unbelievable alright? Ready for it? Ready?---IKEA...on a Saturday... (DUN DUN DUN!!!!) AND that's not all---COSCO...2 different ones over the span of three trips!!! I'm not kidding you guys. I've still been bathing in ectoplasmic bad-vibe slime so I almost ate 6 people I got so crazy pissed. Thank goodness Franny was there to restrain me.
Anywho, the only thing we got out of our 4 hour journey through IKEA was 16 pamphlets about bookcases and some swedish meatball aftertaste (blah.) ---- we still don't know if we should go with the Kerninflugan or the Bergenblats bookshelf. We went to Cosco as many times as we did because we were searching for a laptop. We eventually bought one with a printer and I'm mighty happy about it. The reason being? Well now I can do research on things that aren't kosher to research at work. Like for instance, the first thing I googled once we could access the internet was "What happens to boobs after pregnancy?" Next, I googled, "Can you deafen your fetus by singing too loudly in the car?" Lastly, I googled "Pooping during labor-is it necessary?" Okay you guys, that last item???? Yah, I'm a little freaked because-- get this...over 85% of women take dumps all over the place when they give birth!!! Your mom probably never told you she pood when she birthed you, but more than likely she pood, you guys.
Supposedly you're pushing so hard to get the baby out that you lose your guts out of your ass. But mark my words....I'm NOT pooping. I don't care if Nino needs to ninja kick his way out of my belly button...no POO.
When we were six, my cousin Ben and I were playing Tinker Toys when he casually mentioned his mom had pood on him when he was born. Probably bullshit if you ask me, but I've struggled with it ever since. Back when I played with Barbies, there were a few scenarios I liked to reenact over and over. Like all children, I created play situations that mimicked what I knew of life. I think my interpretations were pretty accurate although I'd often have Barbie be mowing the lawn and accidentally mow her foot off. I would then chew on and mangle the foot. I really have no explanation for that. Another of these scenarios however, was about Barbie giving birth to a baby which was usually played by a Lego man. I'd wrap the Lego man in wet toilet paper and color it with brown scented marker, then I'd stuff him up the Barbie's shirt. Then, the Ken obstetrician would walk over and smack the top of the Lego man bulge causing the Lego man to come flying out of the shirt onto the floor all wet, gooey and brown. Ken obstetrician would give the baby to the Barbie and say "Here's your baby. You pooped on it."
Fran and I went on one of the most insane and chaotic journeys of our lives on Saturday. I'm serious you guys, it was complete and utter insanity and we're just praising sweet baby Jesus that we lived to tell about it. We woke up Saturday morning with the wildest hairs up our asses that ever were in existence. Well anyway, it's nuts and basically unbelievable alright? Ready for it? Ready?---IKEA...on a Saturday... (DUN DUN DUN!!!!) AND that's not all---COSCO...2 different ones over the span of three trips!!! I'm not kidding you guys. I've still been bathing in ectoplasmic bad-vibe slime so I almost ate 6 people I got so crazy pissed. Thank goodness Franny was there to restrain me.
Anywho, the only thing we got out of our 4 hour journey through IKEA was 16 pamphlets about bookcases and some swedish meatball aftertaste (blah.) ---- we still don't know if we should go with the Kerninflugan or the Bergenblats bookshelf. We went to Cosco as many times as we did because we were searching for a laptop. We eventually bought one with a printer and I'm mighty happy about it. The reason being? Well now I can do research on things that aren't kosher to research at work. Like for instance, the first thing I googled once we could access the internet was "What happens to boobs after pregnancy?" Next, I googled, "Can you deafen your fetus by singing too loudly in the car?" Lastly, I googled "Pooping during labor-is it necessary?" Okay you guys, that last item???? Yah, I'm a little freaked because-- get this...over 85% of women take dumps all over the place when they give birth!!! Your mom probably never told you she pood when she birthed you, but more than likely she pood, you guys.
Supposedly you're pushing so hard to get the baby out that you lose your guts out of your ass. But mark my words....I'm NOT pooping. I don't care if Nino needs to ninja kick his way out of my belly button...no POO.
When we were six, my cousin Ben and I were playing Tinker Toys when he casually mentioned his mom had pood on him when he was born. Probably bullshit if you ask me, but I've struggled with it ever since. Back when I played with Barbies, there were a few scenarios I liked to reenact over and over. Like all children, I created play situations that mimicked what I knew of life. I think my interpretations were pretty accurate although I'd often have Barbie be mowing the lawn and accidentally mow her foot off. I would then chew on and mangle the foot. I really have no explanation for that. Another of these scenarios however, was about Barbie giving birth to a baby which was usually played by a Lego man. I'd wrap the Lego man in wet toilet paper and color it with brown scented marker, then I'd stuff him up the Barbie's shirt. Then, the Ken obstetrician would walk over and smack the top of the Lego man bulge causing the Lego man to come flying out of the shirt onto the floor all wet, gooey and brown. Ken obstetrician would give the baby to the Barbie and say "Here's your baby. You pooped on it."
1 comment:
hahahahahahahahahahahaha. poop.
Post a Comment