If you don't have anything nice to say...

...you can shove whatever you do have to say up your butt and cork it!

Don’t share your horror stories with a first time pregnant you guys. Honestly. I don’t understand why it the first instinct of just about everyone I meet to tell me about their 48 hour torture labors, the horrible beyond belief back pain they suffered, their ass hat doctor who ended up actually being a janitor, or about how their friend's cousin’s roommate accidentally birthed her own lung. I don’t see how anyone could think this would be appropriate information to share with a pregnant woman.

I realize that childbirth is not a walk in the park for mom OR baby, you know? I mean a baby is making its way out of a vagina. I’m not expecting it to be like cracking open a peanut, or buttering fucking toast. Regardless of how unpleasant one’s experience may have been though, it is never a good idea to talk about it with someone who is preparing to bring their child into an already cold and cruel world. Duh.

I’d recommend not inquiring about a person’s birth plan-- i.e. “I hope you'll be using a whole lotta drugs!!!” This is none of your business. If the pregnant volunteers information about how she intends to give birth, act like whatever she says is the best idea you’ve heard in your entire life, even if she wants to do it on a mountain top with only Sherpas to help. Remember you are dealing with a pregnant person. Just agree. The pregnant is always right. Trust me. You don’t want to get smacked.

Fran and I have been taking a hypno-birthing class which is proving to be amazingly helpful and calming so far. The idea is to manage your own pain for as long as you can by using meditation and hypnosis along with special exercises and movements that help the baby find its way out and keep you comfy. We’re about half way done with the class and I have to say it’s been useful. Fran is going to be a fantastic birthing coach and I’m going to be an amazing baby pusher-outer. Even if we forget everything we’ve learned by the time test day comes, we’ll at least have had the experience… Hippie hypno-birthing class= Good times.

The horror stories I’ve heard so far have not terrified me, they’ve irritated me. I don’t know what to expect, but I do know that babies have been coming out of vaginas for a looooong time. It’s normal. It’s not a sickness. The way people talk about it you’d think there would be a huge market for sterilization. But there isn’t because birth is doable. It’s doable and I’m not scared. In considering all of the crazy and miraculous things my body has done already, A.K.A. growing an infant, I’ve become positive that I can birth one.