Ode to Baby Daddy
I always have trouble sleeping in the wee hours of the morning. This is due to several factors A) I fall asleep extremely early in the evenings B) The 2 sleep positions that are semi-comfy and safe for Nino are really hard on my hips past 6 hours and C) my 4 AM pee is like coffee. Not that I drink the pee or that the pee has a columbian aroma or anything. It just wakes me up like Folgers. “The best part of wakin’ up is peeing at 4 o’clock.”

Sunday morning was particularly difficult because I still hadn’t eaten Krispie Kreme doughnuts (see previous blog). I had thought about them all night long which was kind of refreshing since I’m usually thinking about awful things like Azaria Chamberlain and that damn dingo. Or car accidents and cancer. Saturday night and Sunday morning my thoughts were more like this…"I gotta pee and then get myself some Krispies. I gotta drink some water and then get me some Krispies. I wonder if you took 17 Krispie Kreme glazed doughnuts and smashed them into a giant ball if you could fit them in your mouth all at once. I’m doing it, once I get me some Krispies.”

Since it was still so early in the AM I thought maybe I’d risen before even Krispie Kremes could be delivered to my local Maverick. Franny had been working all night and would be coming home any time. I thought I’d text my old man and see if he could just pick some up on his way home from work. I was completely delirious from needing glazed doughnuts so badly that I only managed to text “Krispie Kreme”. I couldn’t even communicate with him in a full sentence. “Oh well” I thought. “He’ll know what I’m talking about.” Unfortunately, he got home moments later at 5 AM and didn’t have any doughnuts.

I kissed him hello and then sheepishly asked him if he’d received my text. He said he hadn’t and then checked his phone “Krispie Kremes?” he said. “You need a Krispie Kreme?” “I need several” I replied. He said he’d go and get some for me. I looked up at his tired face. He’d worked 12 hours straight all night long in the cold. He looked ready to sleep. BUT he did already have his shoes on so…. I proceeded to tell him that I only wanted glazed doughnuts if they were Krispie Kreme doughnuts and if they didn’t have Krispie Kreme’s then I wanted nothing. NOTHING ELSE WILL DO!

He came back 15 minutes later holding a bottle of eggnog and no doughnuts. I tried to remain calm as he told me that the clerk at Maverick had informed him that Krispie Kreme had gone out of business and that he didn’t get me any doughnuts. I seriously almost cried you guys. My head started to spin. I was thinking “out of business??? Now what am I going to do?” Then he offered me the eggnog to which I snarkily said “You know that has raw chicken in it. Just let me read. I need to be alone.” He stood there looking at his nutcase baby mama for a second and then casually pulled a plastic sack filled with three of the most beautiful glistening glazed Krispie Kreme doughnuts I’d ever seen in my entire life from his hoodie pouch. Sheesh!

(He always does that to me. He always tricks me into being disappointed so that I act like a total bitch and then he surprises me with something amazing. I don’t know why I always fall for it. For instance on the day my wedding ring was ready to pick up from Shane Company, I got home from work all excited to go and get it. He asks me “what do you want to do tonight.” “Get my ring” I answered. “Nah” he said. “I just want to get my drink on and start the weekend. Let’s get it on Monday.” I shot daggers at him from my eyes that were meant to pierce his soul. He kept going on and on about he just needed to chill out and that the ring could wait. And then when he could see I was going to lose my mind he grabbed a little gray box from the kitchen cupboard and handed it to me. He’d gone all on his own to get it. Sheesh. I'm such a freak.)

On this particular occasion I had no time to feel badly about my reaction however. Instead I just inhaled the doughnuts, licked my fingers and then fell asleep like a baby on the couch.