Manners

I was just eating lunch in the break area at work. I was reading a pamphlet on caring for umbilical stumps (my reading these days is pretty riveting) enjoying some mashed potatoes like I do, when this guy I don't even know comes walking in, looks at my potatoes with this disgusted face and says “What is that?” I know he was talking about my food and not the umbilical stump literature because he couldn't even see what I was reading. His face looked like I was eating a bowl of umbilical stumps though.

Okay if you know me well, you know this shit drives me crazy. You don’t criticize someone’s food while they are eating it. This is a lesson you learn in first fucking grade. It’s so rude. Clearly the person is eating something they like so shut up. Not everyone has to eat PB and J on Wonder bread with the crust cut off. Sheesh!

I looked at the guy like he was the dumbest dumb bastard I’d ever seen in my life and said “it’s potatoes”. The tone in my voice said "what does it look like, putz?"
He said “ha ha. oh." and walked away.

Although I was about as sassy as the situation called for, I still wish I would have said more. Like I wish I would have said “Oh dude. There is something kind of gross on your head. It looks like it came out of a butt. Maybe your mom’s butt. Actually it looks like it came out of your mom's butt and then was eaten and puked out again and then shit on. I’m not sure what it is, man. It’s sick though. You should go to the bathroom and wash it off.” Then while the guy is all frantically trying to figure out what the hell is growing on him, I’ll say “oh my bad. It’s just your face. Weird.”

Don't you hate looking back on a situation and wishing you'd had the balls to say what was on your mind, especially when you were dealing with a total jerk off? Well I've decided that while I'm pregnant I'm going to get into the habit of verbalizing any snarky retort that comes to mind. I figure if there is any time I'll be able to get away with being total bitch it's while I'm pregnant right?