UPDATES:
(PICTURE TIME!!)

CORNEAS:
(My corneas have been retaining water (see last post) but it's only temporary.)

Please note the completely normal size of my ankle. Now I've always been under the impression that pregnants get swollen ankles when they retain water, NOT bloated corneas, but whatev. Since I left some folks concerned with my last blog post, I thought I'd let you all know that no, I won't have permanent vision problems. My corneas will go back to their normal fluid capacity once Nino is born. In the meantime, I'll be half -blind and unable to drive at night. It won't be worth getting glasses since I only have a few weeks to go.


HOME IS WHERE THE FART IS....ERR WHERE THE HEART IS:
(Just to give you a glimpse into our little world...)
You probably think that I stacked all of this crap on this dresser for the sake of the picture don't you? Well actually this is Franny's heap o' stuff. We haven't quite moved in completely since Fran's still been making renovations on the place. He also likes to have a little section of space that drives me crazy everyday so this mound has not yet dissipated. Note the 7 pairs of protective glasses as well as the many hats stacked up adjacent to them including a Fedora that belonged to Fran's pops (pictured in tiny photog on right.) The larger photograph of the hot pin-upy looking chick? That's Fran's mom, who thinks that "making love" can cure any ale pregnancy-related or otherwise. Seriously. Fran will tell her I'm nauseous and gassy and she'll say "you need to make love." Kay. And yep, you're right, that is a cooler propping up a Wham! record, for which I have no explanation.

Like I said, still not quite organized. I'm thinking this will be one of those mounds that won't go away until we move and then it will become a mound in the new place for years to come. It's a comforting mound.

Here is our super messy living room. I wasn't interested in cleaning it up before photographing. I figured that since I've talked about my vag so much in this blog, that I really didn't need to hide the fact that I'm a total slob. That is our new Love Sac Sactional couch. We're still waiting for the custom cover which should arrive in 7-10 business years.

When I found out I was pregnant I bought some plants to ensure that I could actually keep another living thing alive. Only one died! The rest are pictured here.

Our new kitchen table! For the first half of my pregnancy we ate dinner crammed next to each other on a recliner...good memories. Now, since I can manage to take up an entire couch and not feel I have enough space, I'm glad to have a table.

ME!

(After popular demand....pictures of me in my pregger suit with 5 weeks left to go!)

Firstly, this is the advent calendar that I devoured in its entirety one lazy November morn.

Me being a posey little pregger... like I do...

Me being fierce! If America's Next Top Model ever starts a pregger edition, this will be my tryout picture.

NINO!

(Thanks to all of the lovely ladies who attended my very fabulous baby shower in October, we've actually gotten everything we need for Nino's arrival (so far as we know) other than bottles!)(Somehow baby bottles have been the most perplexing purchase I've ever made in my entire life.)

Other than the hand-me-down books from my childhood, this is Nino's first book. "Forever Young" by Bob Dylan pictured with our still unframed, unhung poster of Bob himself. It's one of the better books I've ever read.

The main message of the book and one of the most important lessons our little one will ever learn.

Nino's first fridge art.

Nino's college fund. Actually Fran's whiskey bottle dime collection. He marvels at how perfectly the dimes fit into the spout of this whiskey bottle. What a total weirdo. :)

Nino's bum cream (it's creamy ya'll!)

Nino's little teeny sock next to his dad's giant man sock. (Displayed here on the Boppy!)

"What to Expect" being the book on this bedside table, is not the only indicator that a pregnant lives here. Note the Kleenex (hormones), the tube of belly rub (stretch mark prevention) and the box of pregnancy yoga cards (which I'll never ever use).

Closet full of more Nino stuff and camp gear.

We purchased this Cadillac of humidifiers for when Nino comes to town and gets real boogery. I drew a little face on him like I do.

Angry humidifier hates getting his picture taken. Oh and those are my prenatal supplements on the right there.

Nino's bed and travel system. You might have the impression that we're totally lax and lazy for not having set up Nino's bed and travel system yet. Well we are. Get over it.

Nino's bath and grooming supplies. He gets a whole bathroom cabinet to himself because he has way cuter stuff than Fran and I.

Nino land. We won't be moving into a bigger place until after Nino is born, so this is pretty much the nursery sans bed (lazy member?). You are looking at about 27 blankets, 3 of which were handmade by grandma's and aunties, a Boppy, toys, onesies, teeny socks, hats and other supplies.

So that is that.

WTF


Retaining water where??

It all started with some blurry vision I noticed Halloween night whilst walking with Fran. I saw a toddler dressed all in green walking with his dad. While my vision at the time was fuzzy, I commented that he sure was a cute little dragon. Fran corrected me by telling me, as I tripped on a curb, that I was actually looking at a stroller with a green blanket draped over it. Well at least I got the green part right.

Trouble.

We went to a party last weekend in Tooele. I had to drive us home because I'm the eternal sober driver and Fran had had about 4 hours of sleep total in the past 6 days so he was passed the hell out. I've never even been to Tooele, let alone driven from there at night. The drive was scary as hell! I couldn't see the signs! Headlights and traffic lights were misty psychedelic blobs. I didn't know where the fuck we were. We made it home though. Barely. Thank goodness.

Trouble.

Some of you guys who already use glasses might be thinking "uhhh big deal whiney. Get over it." But I've never had such a problem seeing! I blink and blink to try to focus and I just can't get anything clear. I told my doctor about it thinking I might have high blood pressure or maybe that I was blind with love for my unborn child (sorry). Turns out I'm retaining fucking water in my corneas. This is fairly common in women who wear glasses, and a little more rare in people who don't. Well shit. Could be worse. The sucker could be falling out as in the case of the protracted cornea which sucks way worse.

I had to enter the date of my last menstrual period to make this baby ticker doohickey accurate, and you know how I hate recalling the date of my last menstrual period, you guys.

Manners

I was just eating lunch in the break area at work. I was reading a pamphlet on caring for umbilical stumps (my reading these days is pretty riveting) enjoying some mashed potatoes like I do, when this guy I don't even know comes walking in, looks at my potatoes with this disgusted face and says “What is that?” I know he was talking about my food and not the umbilical stump literature because he couldn't even see what I was reading. His face looked like I was eating a bowl of umbilical stumps though.

Okay if you know me well, you know this shit drives me crazy. You don’t criticize someone’s food while they are eating it. This is a lesson you learn in first fucking grade. It’s so rude. Clearly the person is eating something they like so shut up. Not everyone has to eat PB and J on Wonder bread with the crust cut off. Sheesh!

I looked at the guy like he was the dumbest dumb bastard I’d ever seen in my life and said “it’s potatoes”. The tone in my voice said "what does it look like, putz?"
He said “ha ha. oh." and walked away.

Although I was about as sassy as the situation called for, I still wish I would have said more. Like I wish I would have said “Oh dude. There is something kind of gross on your head. It looks like it came out of a butt. Maybe your mom’s butt. Actually it looks like it came out of your mom's butt and then was eaten and puked out again and then shit on. I’m not sure what it is, man. It’s sick though. You should go to the bathroom and wash it off.” Then while the guy is all frantically trying to figure out what the hell is growing on him, I’ll say “oh my bad. It’s just your face. Weird.”

Don't you hate looking back on a situation and wishing you'd had the balls to say what was on your mind, especially when you were dealing with a total jerk off? Well I've decided that while I'm pregnant I'm going to get into the habit of verbalizing any snarky retort that comes to mind. I figure if there is any time I'll be able to get away with being total bitch it's while I'm pregnant right?

Ode to Baby Daddy
I always have trouble sleeping in the wee hours of the morning. This is due to several factors A) I fall asleep extremely early in the evenings B) The 2 sleep positions that are semi-comfy and safe for Nino are really hard on my hips past 6 hours and C) my 4 AM pee is like coffee. Not that I drink the pee or that the pee has a columbian aroma or anything. It just wakes me up like Folgers. “The best part of wakin’ up is peeing at 4 o’clock.”

Sunday morning was particularly difficult because I still hadn’t eaten Krispie Kreme doughnuts (see previous blog). I had thought about them all night long which was kind of refreshing since I’m usually thinking about awful things like Azaria Chamberlain and that damn dingo. Or car accidents and cancer. Saturday night and Sunday morning my thoughts were more like this…"I gotta pee and then get myself some Krispies. I gotta drink some water and then get me some Krispies. I wonder if you took 17 Krispie Kreme glazed doughnuts and smashed them into a giant ball if you could fit them in your mouth all at once. I’m doing it, once I get me some Krispies.”

Since it was still so early in the AM I thought maybe I’d risen before even Krispie Kremes could be delivered to my local Maverick. Franny had been working all night and would be coming home any time. I thought I’d text my old man and see if he could just pick some up on his way home from work. I was completely delirious from needing glazed doughnuts so badly that I only managed to text “Krispie Kreme”. I couldn’t even communicate with him in a full sentence. “Oh well” I thought. “He’ll know what I’m talking about.” Unfortunately, he got home moments later at 5 AM and didn’t have any doughnuts.

I kissed him hello and then sheepishly asked him if he’d received my text. He said he hadn’t and then checked his phone “Krispie Kremes?” he said. “You need a Krispie Kreme?” “I need several” I replied. He said he’d go and get some for me. I looked up at his tired face. He’d worked 12 hours straight all night long in the cold. He looked ready to sleep. BUT he did already have his shoes on so…. I proceeded to tell him that I only wanted glazed doughnuts if they were Krispie Kreme doughnuts and if they didn’t have Krispie Kreme’s then I wanted nothing. NOTHING ELSE WILL DO!

He came back 15 minutes later holding a bottle of eggnog and no doughnuts. I tried to remain calm as he told me that the clerk at Maverick had informed him that Krispie Kreme had gone out of business and that he didn’t get me any doughnuts. I seriously almost cried you guys. My head started to spin. I was thinking “out of business??? Now what am I going to do?” Then he offered me the eggnog to which I snarkily said “You know that has raw chicken in it. Just let me read. I need to be alone.” He stood there looking at his nutcase baby mama for a second and then casually pulled a plastic sack filled with three of the most beautiful glistening glazed Krispie Kreme doughnuts I’d ever seen in my entire life from his hoodie pouch. Sheesh!

(He always does that to me. He always tricks me into being disappointed so that I act like a total bitch and then he surprises me with something amazing. I don’t know why I always fall for it. For instance on the day my wedding ring was ready to pick up from Shane Company, I got home from work all excited to go and get it. He asks me “what do you want to do tonight.” “Get my ring” I answered. “Nah” he said. “I just want to get my drink on and start the weekend. Let’s get it on Monday.” I shot daggers at him from my eyes that were meant to pierce his soul. He kept going on and on about he just needed to chill out and that the ring could wait. And then when he could see I was going to lose my mind he grabbed a little gray box from the kitchen cupboard and handed it to me. He’d gone all on his own to get it. Sheesh. I'm such a freak.)

On this particular occasion I had no time to feel badly about my reaction however. Instead I just inhaled the doughnuts, licked my fingers and then fell asleep like a baby on the couch.

Here are some things that people ask you when you're pregnant:

How have you been feeling?
Have you been peeing a lot?
Do you know what you are having?
When was your last menstrual period? (Don't ask this one! Trust me, the pregnant will bite off
your face if you do. You get enough of this at the doc.)
Have you been sick?
Are you excited?
AND
Have you had any weird cravings?

In answering that last one regarding cravings, I've always replied that no, in fact, I do not have cravings. The first 5 months of my pregnancy were a bit tumultuous because of the incessant nausea. During that time, I'd have cravings but basically out of a process of elimination. I had to narrow my food options down based on what I thought I'd be able to keep down. The options included Ramen, peaches, and bean burritos so it wasn't too hard to narrow. Now I've entered the third trimester and I have to say that I am changing my tune. I am definitely having cravings, you guys.

I've just discovered the pregnancy craving in the last week or so. It's like having a psychotic episode. Once I get something in my head I HAVE to have it and IT has to be exactly what I want or I won't be able to move on with my life. Right now I cannot stop thinking about shiny glistening Krispie Kreme glazed doughnuts with a side of coleslaw and fruit loops. I'm not kidding. I picture it every time I close my eyes. I gotta have it. I would seriously give someone 50$ for a doughnut, some coleslaw and some Fruit Loops right now.

I Christmas shopped for 5 hours today so I can't bare to leave my house again. Plus, I'm sitting here blogging in my fat pants. If I go out in my fat pants, my self-esteem will suffer. (This is how fragile I am.) Fran is working right now but you better believe that if he was here I'd be sending him to the store. I wouldn't feel bad about it either. As far as husbands of pregnants go, Fran has gotten off really easily. He hasn't even met Bitchy McBitcherson, my most colorful alter ego. He has only encountered me in my "I'm huge and lame and everyone hates me. Tell me I'm pretty" mood just a few times. And I think the fact that I've waited until the last 2 months of pregnancy to crave random crap speaks volumes about just how easy he has it. I am a little concerned about this craving stuff though because I've already gained 35 of the 40 pounds my doctor requested I gain throughout the entirety of my pregnancy. This could get ugly.